Yes, another old one. From the time when my roommates and I were living in the ghetto, before they turned our apartment complex into a halfway house.

I'd like to introduce you to some of my neighbors, all of whom live in my apartment complex... and yes, they all have a complex or two, as well.

First, Ralph, who I just ran into at our front gate.

Me: "I hate Tuesdays. I have to go to work an hour early for a meeting. And does that mean that I go to sleep a little earlier than usual?"

Ralph: "Hell, no!"

Me: "Absolutely not."

Ralph: "No one around here ever goes to sleep... early!"


And then there's George. George lives with Edward, and he pretends to be straight, but we all know he's one of the biggest queens of them all. George informed me the other night that he's been off his lithium for a year now. I don't think Edward will ever come off his. Edward's a serial killer. I have no proof, but I have strong vibes. But hey, I'm safe... they never go after their neighbors. And besides, he watches my roommate's dog for us when we're out for the day.

I've never seen Edward laugh, but my roommate, Brad, has. He told me about it... sitting around, talking to George, Edward being his usual silent self in the corner of the room. But he suddenly said something, something strange.

Ed: "Bugs Bunny... was hung! "

He found this funny, and laughed. And laughed. And laughed.

The other weekend, I went to pick up the dog from their apartment, and ended up talking to George for a bit (after he cleared his porno mags from off his table and tied his robe up in the front). The TV was on, some static filled channel on the screen.

Me: "George, what the hell are you watching?"
Geoge: "Spice."
"Uh, George. You can't see what's going on. Too much static."
"I know, I don't get this channel. But every now and then, you get a brief shot of the action sneaking through!"
Edward was snoring from the next room.
George: "Edward doesn't like to watch porno flicks. I think they remind him too much of conception or something. Me, I love them!"

Personally, I'm not surprised.

George has just started working as a butler again. When I heard this, I said, and I quote... "You're shitting me, right?"

George found that funny.

He proceeded to tell me about being a butler for this weird rich guy (like most people with butlers are), and how the gardner got him stoned once, so he served dinner to the guy while wearing a white shirt, bow tie, black socks and dress shoes, and no pants or underwear. His boss then chased him around the table begging for a peek.

So when George got stoned again the next morning on the remains of the doobie, he decided to (ahem. I'm not making this up...) masturbate in the guy's oatmeal. He was rewarded with a complement like, "George, this is the best oatmeal I've ever had!"

Uh huh.

Next door is the new apartment manager. Who got drunk with his friends and woke up in his bathtub, still wearing his silk suit, water up to his chin and spilling over the tub's sides.

And at the end of the building is the strange and promiscuous woman (so her ex-girlfriend claimed, and I have to say I believe it) who keeps getting robbed. Maybe it's the guys she keeps meeting and bringing into her apartment, right before passing out...


Nahhhhh.

Listen, we have an empty apartment right above hers... anyone looking for a place to live?

© 2002, Michael Yanovich. www.mentalsnot.com